


Missing You

by allthegayotps



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied/Referenced Incest, Sam Misses Dean, Stanford Era, all the feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 07:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5997501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthegayotps/pseuds/allthegayotps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where I use 1,622 words to describe Sam missing his older brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to listen, the song is called "Hold Each Other" by A Great Big World.

Jess grabbed his hand with a smile. "I love this song. Will you dance with me?" Sam smiled and shook his head, avoiding the pouty look he knew his friend would give him.

"You know I don't dance." He perked his ears, though, listening to the sway of the music with nostalgia. For the third time in as many hours, his mind wandered somewhere he didn't expect it to go. A place it hadn't gone in weeks.

_I wonder what he's doing right now. Does he think of me?_ Sam brushed the thoughts off, watching Jess ask one of her girl friends to sway with her to the song.

" _I miss the words we used to say, I miss the sounds of yesterday, I miss the games we used to play like ohhh._ "

*********

Sam was five. Dean had to go to school, but he was staying home alone during one of his father's hunts.

"I love you, Sammy." Dean kissed his forehead, placing another of Sam's limited toys in front of the small child. Really, it shouldn't have been the earliest memory Sam had, but it was. His brother telling him to "Be good until I get home, okay?" and setting out a snack so he wouldn't get hungry while he was alone. Then, turning and backing out with a nervous expression. It had seemed like a long time had passed when Dean had burst back into the room, eyes searching out the small child who had learned how to work the television while he was alone. 

Really, his first memory should have been how much his brother loved him. What it shouldn't have been is stained by the realization of how his brother loved him.

*********

Sam could hear the words his father had used burning into his brain, but he tried to keep them from altering his posture or mood, listening to the next few lines of the song.

" _I was trapped inside a dream, I couldn't see her next to me, I didn't know she'd set me free like ohhh._ " Was he letting himself daydream his life away? What about all the nice people he met at Stanford?

His mind flashed the faces of his friends for inspection. Each one was friendly and some probably wouldn't mind for him to start passing moves, taking them on dates, the normal things people do.

The problem was that they were all just friendly. None of them were impolite or mean to him or even picked on him in a way that made him want them in any way other than as a friend.

" _Something happens when I hold her, She keeps my heart from getting older._ " Sam took a swig of the beer sitting in front of him, very deliberately ignoring the fact that it made him smell leather and gunpowder. Two things he hadn't touched in a long time.

" _When the days get short and the nights get a little bit colder, We hold each other._ " Sam was sucked back into his memories, the last time he was held.

*********

"Did someone hurt you?" Dean sounded angry, surveying his brother's outward appearance for any sign of physical harm that may have caused the tears swimming in Sam's eyes.

"No." It was choked, but he got the word out and it was at least progress from the slobbering mess he'd been twenty seconds ago.

"Listen, you gotta tell me what's going on." Dean pulled Sam's chin up, making their eyes meet. "I can't make it better if you don't tell me what's wrong, Sammy."

"I got accepted to Stanford." Sam wiped at the tears that were spilling over, trying to stop the flow because he had to tell Dean. Maybe he could come, too.

"That's great, Sammy." Dean's tone was forcefully cheerful, but Sam could see through it.

"Dad knows." Sam could feel the tears burning as they filled his eyes again, those words sitting in the bottom of his stomach.

"Well, I didn't think you'd keep it from him. First of the line to go to-" Dean was still being cheerful, his brain denying what Sam had told him.

"No, Dean. You know what I meant." Sam jerked his chin away, looking down the alley to where the entrance to the bar he'd been in with John shone like a beacon. Well, he'd screwed everything up in there and had ruined one of the better parts of his life.

Well, it was one of the better parts before he realized what he was doing with Dean was wrong on all accounts. 

Dean had taken Sam in his arms then, petting the taller boy's hair and shushing him softly until he'd cried himself out. "Shhh, it'll all be okay, Sammy. I'll make it okay."

*********

Damn if his memories weren't the worst place for him to be. Really, he'd just gotten to this healthy spot. He wasn't burying himself in books or crying at night because he missed the familiar heat wrapping around him in the nonverbal message he needed - _I'll keep you safe_.

Normally, Sam didn't listen to rap. Really, he didn't listen to most slow songs either, but he could feel the rhythm in his soul and drank in every word coming through the speakers.

" _If I'm stressing you that blessing that's sent from heaven, These days start to feel like hours and hours feel more like seconds._ "

*********

Sam's panic attacks were the worst, but he'd been expecting this day to come, really. He and Dean were hiding in the cabinet, they could hear not-John calling them from the living room. Well, they assumed it was not their father because he hadn't called out the secret word that meant it was him.

It was a skinwalker case and their father had called forty-five minutes before, telling them the secret word and to hide in the large cabinet under the sink. Really, it was something they had said was unnecessary before, but their teenage bodies fit inside well enough. Sam was on Dean's lap, gun pressed to the wood like he was going to shoot if he heard anything on the other side. But, to tell the truth, he couldn't breathe.

"Sammy, you gotta calm down." Dean's whisper was almost too quiet for Sam to hear, but he tried to match his breathing to Dean's, his vision darkening at the sides.

"I-Dean, I'm scared." Sam couldn't make his heart stop, couldn't make the oxygen absorb into his blood.

"Shhhh," Dean covered his mouth, pressing his lips to Sam's covered shoulder. The contact was enough to ground him, remind him to keep quiet for the monster stalking them in the hotel room. He felt Dean's fingers leave his face, winding into his free hand. "Only you would pick now to have a panic attack."

It had only been fifteen minutes, but the time dragged as they waited for their real father to barge into the motel room. Three against one didn't work in the monster's favor.

*********

" _People judged us they couldn't see the connection, When I look at you, it's like I'm looking back at my reflection,  I don't see nothing different, our pigments they coincide._ "

Wrong. Dean and Sam hadn't seen eye to eye on lots of things - and not only because of Sam's height advantage. Rhonda Hurley was something they'd been in a kind of Mexican stand-off about for their whole lives. To be honest, Sam still didn't like her, but wouldn't admit to himself that it was because she had touched his brother.

" _We hold each other so tight they couldn't break us if they tried._ "

*********

Sam could remember the little town in Ohio, the teacher staring at them pointedly as they walked home. They'd been there three weeks when Dean became antsy.

"I think it's time to move on, Dad. That's all I'm saying." Dean was sucking on his bottom lip, moving the soup he was heating with a metal spoon he'd probably use to eat if there was enough for two. "The teachers are getting snoopy."

There was silence as Sam watched Dean, holding the small cell to his ear and listening to the same question Sam was thinking. "All kinds of questions Dad. They wanna know why we're so close. They wanna know why you weren't at Parents' Night. One of 'em is talking about calling Feds."

His eyes jumped to Sam, leaning over the back of the chair to look at Dean. "I gotta go. Yes, sir. Tonight." He hung up, moving the warmed soup onto the table with a grin. "Eat up, Samantha. We've got a long drive coming our way tonight."

"Are they going to take us away?" Sam's voice was small and his eyes searched Dean's, looking for an answer Dean hadn't given, yet. They couldn't take Dean away.

"No." Dean's voice was stone, pulling his brother's head into a tight hug, pressing a kiss to his crown before he said anything else. "I wouldn't let them, even if they tried."

*********

Sam pulled out his phone, ignoring the rest of the song in fear of what he might remember next. If he kept thinking, it would bring him to that terrible night. The night the image of Dean had been stained with the words brotherlover and abomination.

But, he found himself scrolling through his contacts and finding that number. That very number he couldn't call because his father wouldn't pick up and his brother couldn't. He took another swig of beer, hoping that he might be able to drown away the thought of his brother if he had enough of them. Or, he'd drunkdial them and confess to the misery he'd been feeling. Either way, he made his way to the kitchen for another.


End file.
